I have a phone that doesn’t connect with WiFi, stream HD TV, print guns in 3D, shoot lasers or allow me to time travel. However, it does something better: it works.
It has a battery which lasts a week. It doesn’t break into atoms and quarks when it falls. And when I spill tea on it, it doesn’t die, making its last call to my least favourite high school teacher at 1 AM (yes, that’s what my last, “smart” phone did. I hope it went straight to cell phone hell.)
And even more importantly, it looks so awesome. It’s goddamn pink! Also, it’s tiny enough not to stick awkwardly from my jeans (is that a phone in your pocket or are you happy to see me?) and to fit into my teeny-tiny vintage Chanel bag. And it’s unlikely to be stolen, because thieves think it’s a mirror. Either that, or they’re too masculine to touch magenta. Either way, it has already survived an entire year with me, and we still love each other. I wish my other relationships were that stable!
Update: after waiting half an hour for someone who cancelled our meeting via a Facebook message, I got myself a smartphone as well. Now I live with two: the smart one and the good-looking one. And none of them is jealous. Why can’t it be so easy with people?